Thursday, July 19, 2007

Ownership


Well, Tea gone and done did it: in her comment on my last post she said she'd have to go back and "catch up" on my blog. Immediately, I mentally summarized what I thought she might find.

Aww crap.

In my unpacking adventures I came across the scrapbook/journals I put together for each of the two years I've been at this triathlon thing. They are nothing more than two small binders full of the same thing that's on my blog:

"I'm really gonna do this. No really, this time I mean it. I'm really gonna train."

Then: "Um, so here's why I haven't been training."

and

"Wow. I was super-slow and miserable at this race. Probably because I haven't been training. But next week, I'm really gonna get serious. And here's an impossibly unrealistic race goal to boot."

I found these binders last week and then took mental inventory of all the bloggers who are in roughly the same place...and I got really mad at myself for all the time I've been wasting, but mostly for all the lame excuse-making. GeekGirl (and others) and I started triathlon at about the same time. Today, she is in the healthy weight range, and well on her way to an Ironman showing. I am not. And I DNF'd.

When I started, I only had 7 pounds to lose to be back in the healthy range. Since then, I've gained even more weight -- putting on the bulk of it (15 lbs.) since last October when I decided to train for Ironman. I even got to be Athena weight (which is pretty serious on my 5'1" frame).

It's very tempting to point out my increases in endurance, but that would just be one more act of denial. So I'm not going to do it. Turns out, I'm my own mortal nemesis.

I will simply end by saying that I have my goal for this week, and I will blog about it only when I reach it. You've all got to be pretty sick of reading about all my big plans and grand schemes. Frankly, I'm sick of proclaiming them to the world and then failing.
SO...join me next time when...well...no promises. Join me next time when I post another blog entry.

6 comments:

Tea said...

I'm pretty sure you didn't mean this to be funny, but omigawd did I laugh...the picture, the song. So funny!

But...post your goals. We're all here to support you or give you a slap in the face when you need it.

I've done the same stupid stuff myself.

Duane said...

We are still here with you! Keep on keepin' on girl!

GeekGirl said...

Um...healthy. Weight. Sure - we'll go with that! Actually, since I started my Ironman training, I've put on nearly 10 pounds. Oy.

Andra Sue said...

Here, here! Go on and turn over that leaf, girlie. You're embarking on a perfect time to re-invent yourself. :-)

Megan said...

The nice thing about blogging is that you have a HUGE audience who doesn't let you off the hook...

Jenny said...

This is some deep stuff - heavy self-realizations. I can really relate - how many times in my life have I said I was doing something, told myself and eveyrone around me I was doing it, and then somehow not really done it. The question that occurred to me while reading this (and forgive me if I'm presumptuous here) is: why? why do you want to do an ironman? Why do you want to lose weight? what do these things really mean to you? If the pleasure will be in the "having done it" as opposed to the "doing" - it's an awfully big task to set if the only reward is at the end. Or does it have to do with approval from someone outside yourself? (Nothing I've read of yours suggests that's a big issue with you - though it is with me!) My point is not to psychoanalyze and diagnose, but to suggest that a step back and looking at what motivates you, might help re-motivate you! (I also recently learned something very helpful: if you take every time you say "should" to yourself and turn it into "could" - it can feel very nice!)