A *New* New Leaf

*rubs eyes*

Who turned on the lights?

Maybe it's because I've been watching too much Intervention, but after the hellish week I had last week (in which I worked my ass off and still turned in one steaming pile of crap after another) and a generally underwhelming embarrassing semester altogether, something's gotta give.

I remember when I used to be good at things. Like, really good at things. And I used to LOVE school. And I used to blog regularly. What the hell happened?

I honestly don't know. But here's what I'm going to do about it:

Endorphin therapy.

Now that the 140.6 monkey is off my back, I'm going to work my way back up from the shorter distances and get faster. Some call it "training." I call it "what you're supposed to do instead of showing up on race day, undertrained, and hoping for the best."

But really, I'm in it for the side-effects: more energy and ability to focus. I think that'll fix a lot of other stuff that's been dragging in my life.

Stay tuned!

Country-Fried Introspection

Methinks I am just exactly where I need to be.

Anti-Inflammatory Political Post

Facebook Status Update, November 4, 11:32pm
Kristina is ready to do the work of uniting with those who were disappointed with tonight's results.

Except for my quasi-passive posts in the few days leading up to the election, I have refrained from saying anything overtly political on my blog. I obviously have my views, but after seeing the venom with which people take up the discussion on too many occasions (notably, the flaming that took place on Project Procrastination's comment board), my desire for peace and harmony prevailed.

Additionally, I know there are those who read my blog who disagree with me politically and it is ultimately more important to me to emphasize our common ground (this is still something resembling a tri blog, after all) than to engage in discourses of fear, anger, and division.

The exchange below showed me that we can do this, and signals to me the dawn of a new political climate -- not simply of policy, but a whole new paradigm of relating to one another that I hope will become the norm rather than the exception.

Frenchy Was Right

The only man a girl can count on is her daddy.

A little while back, my parents and I decided that they wouldn't be at my Ironman because it would cost $7000+ to get them here from the Philippines at that time of year. And then I began a search for not simply who I would like to be at my IM finish line, but who would deserve to be there.

Here's the gist of the e-mail I got from my dad last night:

Hey Kiddo,

Read em and weep!!!

ITINERARY AND TICKET INFORMATION
FROM TO
MANILA TAIPEI
TAIPEI LOS ANGELES
==================================
Hanford, CA (HNF) to Ottumwa, IA (OTM)

Despite my desire to present a tuff-girl persona, I am in fact a crier.

You better believe I wept.

(Then I stopped, because how funny is my dad's hair in this picture?)

Ten Things

I am thankful for…

1. My parents being so caring that I never once questioned whether I was loved (call your parents).


2. Having friends from childhood who can share earlier (ridiculous) memories of my parents (I’m an only child…call your siblings.)


3. My two best friends from childhood being married to each other – saves me a phone call.


4. Laughter.


5. Sports.


6. My last day in Las Cruces…lunch in the park with Dinah and my students letting me sneak her into class. (She lay in my lap while I graded their speeches.)


7. Having her as my co-pilot for the drive to Iowa.


8. Being able to spend the last two days of Dinah’s life holding her while she lay on my chest.


9. My rental manager being willing to hug me when the vet wouldn’t.


10. You.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

How Much for a Great Big Thank You?

My goodness...where to begin? I have received so much caring and compassion these last few days -- words fail me. I am so amazed by the power of the bonds I have made from what started out as a "fun little blog." I knew it would be a source of support for tri stuff...but who knew how incredibly vital it would be at a time of such personal need?

As you can see from the clip (big ups to Mary Beth and Leah for sending it), I am beginning (with the babiest steps) to re-emerge. This is because of all of you. Today I had an incredible conversation with Megan who, frankly, gave me some free therapy, but more importantly gave of herself to help me bear my burden. She was able to help me make sense of and acknowledge just how much is connected with Dinah's death. I am so grateful to have connected with someone who is walking a similar path -- no accident, I'm sure.

I also have to say a special thanks to Wendy. She has experienced similar losses recently, and when I reached out, she reached right back.

Of course, you all know what a big heart Duane has. He and his family have been sending love my way even before I signaled my need.

Last, but not least, to everyone else who cried with me, made me laugh, or just let me know they were there...my heart overflows. You have refilled my tanks full enough to pay it forward, and I will absolutely pay it back, should the need arise.

At first glance, it seemed I was all alone to deal with this loss. How very, very wrong I was.

Ownership

Well, Tea gone and done did it: in her comment on my last post she said she'd have to go back and "catch up" on my blog. Immediately, I mentally summarized what I thought she might find.

Aww crap.

In my unpacking adventures I came across the scrapbook/journals I put together for each of the two years I've been at this triathlon thing. They are nothing more than two small binders full of the same thing that's on my blog:

"I'm really gonna do this. No really, this time I mean it. I'm really gonna train."

Then: "Um, so here's why I haven't been training."

and

"Wow. I was super-slow and miserable at this race. Probably because I haven't been training. But next week, I'm really gonna get serious. And here's an impossibly unrealistic race goal to boot."

I found these binders last week and then took mental inventory of all the bloggers who are in roughly the same place...and I got really mad at myself for all the time I've been wasting, but mostly for all the lame excuse-making. GeekGirl (and others) and I started triathlon at about the same time. Today, she is in the healthy weight range, and well on her way to an Ironman showing. I am not. And I DNF'd.

When I started, I only had 7 pounds to lose to be back in the healthy range. Since then, I've gained even more weight -- putting on the bulk of it (15 lbs.) since last October when I decided to train for Ironman. I even got to be Athena weight (which is pretty serious on my 5'1" frame).

It's very tempting to point out my increases in endurance, but that would just be one more act of denial. So I'm not going to do it. Turns out, I'm my own mortal nemesis.

I will simply end by saying that I have my goal for this week, and I will blog about it only when I reach it. You've all got to be pretty sick of reading about all my big plans and grand schemes. Frankly, I'm sick of proclaiming them to the world and then failing.

SO...join me next time when...well...no promises. Join me next time when I post another blog entry.

Ride of Silence 2007

The Ride of Silence...

Tonight we number many but ride as one

In honor of those not with us, friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, sons

With helmets on tight and heads down low,

We ride in silence, cautious and slow

The wheels start spinning in the lead pack

But tonight we ride and no one attacks

The dark sunglasses cover our tears

Remembering those we held so dear

Tonight's ride is to make others aware

The road is there for all to share

To those not with us or by our side,

May God be your partner on your final ride
- Mugai

Eureka At Last!

Last night's post on Project Procrastination was a much-needed wakeup call. There are so many amazing athletes out there who are actually overcoming formidable obstacles while I'm here whining about how lazy and unmotivated I am. Despite reading Duane's blog for a while now, and having a general idea of what he has set out to do, only today did I find his feature on RaceAthlete.com I can't believe I had overlooked this for so long!

For inspiring stories of people who have dug deep inside themselves to pursue triathlon (or any dream, for that matter), one need only peruse the blogroll at RaceAthlete.com. Like me, many of these people took a little inventory and were unsatisfied with the state of affairs. Unlike me, they took on the task of transformation and are really working to see it through. If I am going to know even a morsel of success, I'm going to have to figure out what the difference is between myself and them. What is it that gets them out the door, into the pool, onto the bike, or out of the snack aisle? More appropriately, what is it that keeps me on the couch, out of the pool, off my bike, and covered in snack shrapnel?

After some thought, I think I've figured it out. My pursuit of triathlon has been awash in the Seven Deadly Sins of Triathlon (okay, six):

Pride: Yes, I want to "Brag for the rest of my life" about Ironman. I like it that the mailman delivers my Triathlete magazine each month and sees the bike rack on my car and is probably really impressed because he's never actually seen me. I like it that I have this tri blog and I can pretend I'm some sort of athlete. And frankly, I am pursuing the ridiculous and superficial goal of reclaiming the cute girl that I was at 19. Talk about denial: I was even a little relieved that I DNF'd at IMAZ because I didn't want my finish line photo to immortalize my current weight. (Notice there are no current or recent pictures on any of my blogs showing me from the waist down.)

Gluttony: It seems that everytime I start to get into a groove with my training, I fall victim to the SnackDown. Oct 15, 2006 was supposed to be Day One of my IMAZ training. What did I do? I put on 15 pounds of snack weight. Most recently, I turned over this new leaf...and then ordered The Big Feed. I'll get you yet, Gluttony Monkey!

Envy: I swear to God, if GeekGirl gets one more cool tri toy...

Lust: See Envy.

Greed: Well, this move to Iowa is about to cut my income in half...Really, between the gear, travel, and registration fees, this is not an activity that will facilitate an amassing of wealth, so I guess I've dodged this bullet.

Wrath: Yesterday, I stooped so low as to drag all the positive, supportive bloggers to engage in this cardinal sin. (I'm sorry. Can you forgive me? For what it's worth, it helped.)

Sloth: We all seem to have our own brand of struggle with this one. Some battle their sloth by ridiculing it. I will admit that I have missed workouts because I spent the day reading tri blogs about swimming, biking, and running, (or comedy about various foibles while doing these things) instead of getting off my butt to ACTUALLY swim, bike, and run--further evidence that the Sloth Monkey's been whispering sweet Do-Nothings in my ear for too long. Nike-style is the only way to combat this: Just Do It. As simple and difficult as that.

So for all my jabber-jawing, I never stopped to figure out what my One Thing is -- why I'm REALLY doing this. I've thought about this for a while, too, and this is what I've come up with:

As an only child, I constantly vacillate between my fear of being alone in the world and cherishing my independence and self-reliance. Triathlon is where these two meet. A DNF is a solitary experience, and so is a finish line, podium, pass late in the run, etc. -- they stay with you long after everyone else has moved on, and only you know how it happened. On bad days, you confront yourself; there's no one to blame, to lean on, or to carry you (or to turn off the eff-ing wind). On good days, you get to feel the wind in your hair or water rushing over you -- self-propelled swiftness, speed and freedom. Self-reliance at its best. This is where today's post by Stronger gave me the nudge I needed. She reminded me that I really do enjoy all three sports and all that I'm missing when I avoid them.

So I think I've found it: Triathlon lets me experience the joys of independence and self-reliance. It also helps me confront my despair at the thought of feeling alone in the world. It lets me know that if I ever were alone in the world -- I can handle it. I can keep pedaling, keep breathing, keep going. I can also find friends on the road who are like-minded and supportive -- strangers who will give me a "Stay strong, Krissy" when I need it most.

I know that this is it. My One Thing. (It must be, because I've been crying for the last 15 minutes.)

All this time, I had been using triathlon to run away from my life...when the best it has to offer is me.